All in one....

I am one...
Well on second thoughts am I?
The idea of integrity is highly relative. Integrity in thoughts, actions and beliefs…coherence in existence. With due respect to the principle and at the risk of offending those who lay it down, I would confess that I have not practiced Unity in my life. I am one once and the next moment I am another.

Actually is it not fairly true for all of us or do we have singular identities and concordant beliefs? There have been umpteen times when one of my beliefs argued with the other. There they are competing with each other for attention and prioritization. One of my identities takes over the other in a matter of time and prevails until another conflict arises.

Yes I am confused!!!!...and it is not by birth. With full faith on my memories I recollect myself to be a kid with principles and priorities. I think I knew better as to what I wanted “I only wanted the long hair Barbie…” that’s it. Declared demanded and achieved. “I only want to attend Sun Bean…or I won’t go to prep school…”.period. “Shazia is my best friend..I will do anything for her”…fight with others for her, have lunch together and gift a teddy for her birthday. Nothing less nothing more. “I will paint and not study”. What ever the moms and dads of the world do. First I had conviction and then I grew up. “Maths or biology…” after one week of contemplation it was “Maths or Biology or arts?”…another week of deep deliberation of all the pros and cons it was “Maths because it is what all intelligent girls take and then become engineers”. “Fine..drop the year for IIT?”…”No..Join college and study?”….well this time I was so confused that I ended up doing both. This uncertainty and disorder just increases with my age.

In my final year it was “WHAT! MBA sucks man. I will be a scientist” (The MBA sucked then because every non entity was going for it and I considered myself to be different).Illusion is bad for the career. Now here I am, striving to get into a B school 2 years and 584 TCS days later.

It is rare when I sound and think unified. When I know this is it at the first thought. I reason for infinite times trying to figure out the right and wrong. Find my self confused for days before I come to a half hearted conclusion more owing to restrain that to choice. And often also more owing to exclusion than to predilection. And the choices keep increasing with experience and awareness. I find my identities multiplying and new identities emerging. I affiliate myself to different cults and make my life more complicated.
OK…example is right now I am thinking whether I should post this or not?.
Post it because divinity gave you the freedom of expression. Why hesitate to use it?
And then No wait…you think you l actually torture someone by this piece of rambling?
…..Awrriitte..I have written it so I shall post.